I’m an introvert who had lunch with 500 strangers over 6 years – here’s what it taught me about networking

Being good with people isn’t about personality. It’s about using what already works for you. When people try to connect in ways that suit how they think and relate, they tend to do well, writes Nick Bendel.

One of the quiet myths around networking is that it belongs to extroverts. The people who are good with strangers, we assume, must enjoy large groups, fast conversations and being the centre of attention. If that doesn’t sound like you, it’s easy to conclude that networking is something you’ll always struggle with – or something you’ll need to force yourself to do despite your nature. After hundreds of lunches, I don’t think that’s true. Many of the best connectors I met would describe themselves as introverts. Not shy, necessarily. Not socially anxious. Just people who prefer depth over breadth, calm over noise and meaning over momentum. They weren’t winning the connection game by playing it louder. They were playing a different game altogether.

Networking isn’t built for introverts

Introverts don’t struggle with connection. They struggle with the format we’ve built around it.

Most modern networking environments reward speed. Short conversations. Rapid introductions. A sense that you should ‘work the room’ efficiently before moving on. That format favours people who think out loud, process quickly and gain energy from constant interaction. For introverts, that same environment can feel draining and artificial. Not because they dislike people, but because meaningful connection doesn’t happen on a timer. When introverts feel uncomfortable networking, it’s often not because they lack people skills. It’s because they’re being asked to connect in a way that doesn’t suit how they think or listen.

The mistake is assuming that discomfort means incompetence. It doesn’t.

Why introverts often do better one-on-one

One-on-one conversations remove most of the noise that makes networking feel like a show. There’s no audience. No competition for attention. No pressure to be impressive. Just two people, trying to understand each other well enough to decide whether a relationship is worth continuing. This is where introverts tend to excel. They listen closely. They notice details. They’re comfortable with pauses. They don’t feel the need to rush towards a conclusion. Over lunch, I repeatedly saw introverted people create depth quickly, simply by staying present and letting conversations unfold. They weren’t trying to collect contacts. They were trying to understand the person in front of them. And people feel that. Most people don’t remember how entertaining someone was. They remember how understood they felt.

You don’t need to become someone else

A common piece of advice given to introverts is to ‘push yourself more’. Speak up. Be bolder. Take up space. That advice isn’t wrong, but it’s incomplete. The most effective introverts I met didn’t try to behave like extroverts. They didn’t suddenly enjoy small talk or large groups. Instead, they shaped their social lives around settings that suited them. They chose smaller settings. They leaned towards one-on-one meetings. They followed up thoughtfully. They let relationships build slowly. They weren’t avoiding discomfort. They were avoiding wasted effort.

What introverts often get right by default

Across the lunches, I noticed a few consistent patterns among introverts who were strong connectors. They asked better questions, not more questions. They waited for answers instead of jumping in. They remembered details without making a show of it. One of my most memorable lunches was with a politician who described himself as an introvert doing an extrovert’s job. I drove from Sydney to Canberra to meet him. I was excited about the conversation, but also puzzled – I couldn’t work out why he wanted to meet me, as I wasn’t in his electorate and there was nothing obvious I could offer. We ate a simple meal at a Vietnamese sandwich shop near his office, and he turned out to be just as quiet and self-effacing as

his choice of venue. We had an interesting conversation, he asked thoughtful follow-up questions and he never checked his phone. I walked away impressed. Not because of his role, but because he listened closely and took a genuine interest in me. None of these behaviours are flashy. But together, they create a feeling of care and reliability that’s hard to fake. Introverts often assume these behaviours are unremarkable. They aren’t. In a world full of hurried interactions, being thoughtful stands out.

The connection game isn’t about volume

One of the most damaging assumptions in networking is that success comes from meeting more people. More events. More introductions. More contacts. For introverts, this can feel like a losing game from the start. The return doesn’t match the effort. But more networking doesn’t necessarily mean better networking. Most meaningful professional relationships don’t come from large numbers. They come from a small set of people who know you well enough to think of you when it matters. Introverts tend to build these kinds of relationships naturally, as long as they give themselves permission to play the long game.

The lunches made something clear to me: being good with people isn’t about personality. It’s about using what already works for you. When people try to connect in ways that suit how they think and relate, they tend to do well. When they force themselves into formats that work against them, everything feels harder than it needs to be. Introverts don’t need to become louder – they need to become more intentional. They don’t need more confidence – they need fewer situations that reward speed over substance.

This is an edited extract from The 500 Lunches Effect by Nick Bendel,a keynote speaker, corporate trainer and writer.

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