Why teams get stuck in difficult conversations

Over the past 18 months, working relationships have been tested like never before and with the work from home phenomenon likely to continue, having genuine conversations with colleagues may become more difficult.

The quality of team members’ working relationships is in part a function of the quality of their conversations. Relationships happen in conversation. Teams operate in conversation and results happen through conversation.

Conversations are the lifeblood of effective working relationships. Leaders and team members continuously interact with one another through conversation. Their conversational proficiency determines the levels of trust and commitment required to implement strategies, systems and processes to achieve desired results.

What is and is not said in conversations, how it is (or is not) said and how it is (or is not) listened to is crucial to how efficiently and effectively leaders, teams and team members perform.

In today’s “always on”, fast-paced environment, leaders increasingly feel like they operate in permanent white water, facing increasing complexity, uncertainty and rapid change. In such circumstances, working relationships deteriorate and leaders remain stuck in recurring, limiting behavioural patterns that produce suboptimal results.

It’s not surprising then that research conducted by Perlow, Hadley and Eun showed 71 per cent of leaders claim meetings are unproductive and inefficient, and 62 per cent of leaders claim that meetings miss the opportunity to bring the team closer together. The consequences of not speaking one’s truth or believing it is futile to question or share differing perspectives leaves people feeling disengaged and disempowered.

Team members need to share more of their truth (together) to understand complex situations, consider options and make more informed choices. The effectiveness of their actions depends on the effectiveness of their working relationships and the quality of their conversations on crucial issues.

William Ury, author of Getting to Yes, says, “We must create an environment where even the most serious disputes are handled not based on coercion or force, but from mutual respect and coexistence. Far from eliminating differences, our challenge is to make the workplace safe for differences.”

It’s important to appreciate the interdependence between the four elements of a conversation if we are to understand why we get stuck in difficult conversations.

First is speaking.

This is what we say when in conversation with others. Difficult conversations are difficult because in our speaking, we do not see the distinction between two important “speak” acts: assessments and assertions.

As human beings, we are never not in assessment of ourselves and others. We live in the story of ourselves and others based on our beliefs, opinions, perspectives and judgements. Assertions, on the other hand, are what we use to describe what is and is not factual in our world. The problem arises when we believe our assessment to be the truth and not recognise it as only representing our truth.

Another important phenomenon about us as human beings that contributes to difficult conversations is that we speak from our concerns – what is important to us is what we would like to be going better. We are never not “in concern”. For effective conversations to ensue, it’s important the parties declare their concerns. Failing to do this leaves others having to assume what is of concern to the other.

Second is listening.

The greatest gift we can give to another is to leave them feeling listened to. To listen to another is to understand the other. More important than listening with the intent to agree is to commit to understanding what the other means. By listening, we make meaning of what the other person is saying. There are two crucial elements to how we listen. The first is how effective we are at listening to what the other person means by what they are saying. Most of the time, we listen with the intention of responding rather than understanding; therefore, it’s not surprising that we get stuck having difficult conversations. The hidden element in listening is recognising where we are listening from. As we speak to our concerns, we listen from our concerns.

For example, let’s assume that a colleague whom you distrust walks past you in the corridor and they say, “Well done Joe, your presentation this morning was brilliant.” Because you are listening from your concern about not trusting them, your inward response will more likely question their sincerity. It’s for this and other reasons that to be an effective listener is one of the hardest and most powerful skills to master.

Third is mood.

As emotional beings, we are never not “in mood”. Moods are predispositions for action: everything we say and do is because of the mood we’re in at the time. Let’s go back to the example of the distrusting colleague. Your assessment of their untrustworthiness evoked an irritated and intolerant mood, which predisposed you to dismiss and question the sincerity of their comment.

Fourth is body.

Our mood, and how we speak and listen, happens “in body”. Our physiology reflects our embodied moods. Think of a time that your mood caused you to feel tension in your body. How did this affect your speaking and listening? We live “in body”; therefore, our bodies are a manifestation of our mood and how we speak and listen.

Conversations which do not generate new insights, innovative practices, effective actions, and positive results are unproductive; they create and perpetuate costly communication breakdowns and generate waste.

Bernard Desmidt is the author of Team Better Together