Why good people become bad bosses: The ego trap in leadership
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None of us is immune to slipping into bad habits. But the best leaders I know are relentlessly self-aware, writes Karlie Cremin.
It’s a story I’ve heard more times than I can count, and one I’ve lived myself.
A talented team member gets promoted. They’re smart, capable, and driven. At first, they thrive. But then their tone changes, they stop asking questions, and their team starts walking on eggshells. Suddenly, they’re no longer the colleague everyone admired – they’re “that boss”.
Not because they’re bad people. But because they’ve fallen into a very human trap. The ego trap.
This is the moment where good people tip into bad leadership. Where confidence blurs into certainty, and curiosity gives way to control. And it can happen to anyone, especially under pressure.
Most of us don’t become managers with the intention of being feared, resented or ineffective. We want to lead well. We want to bring out the best in others. But too often, leaders are left to figure it out on their own, and the habits they build to survive can slowly erode their self-awareness.
And in leadership, the impact of your habits is amplified.
Your bad day becomes everyone’s bad week. Your silence becomes the team’s anxiety. Your stress becomes their burden. Over time, even small cues – the way you enter a room, how you respond to a question, the emails you don’t send – begin to shape how others behave.
When emotions set the tone
One of the clearest signs that someone has drifted into the ego trap is when they start treating their emotions as facts, or worse, as everyone else’s problem to manage.
“I’m just passionate.”
“I’m under a lot of pressure.”
“That’s just how I operate.”
These are all ways leaders excuse behaviour they wouldn’t accept from others. It’s when the leader’s mood becomes the metric the team uses to decide whether to speak up or stay quiet.
These may be small actions, such as a comment in a meeting, a dismissive look, or a pattern of micromanagement, but over time they signal to your team that emotional turbulence is part of the job. And the truth is, people don’t leave jobs; they leave managers who make them feel small, uncertain, or unvalued.
When leaders confuse being in charge with being right, they stop listening. And when they stop listening, they start losing people.
Leadership is a skill that requires self-regulation, reflection, and constant practice. And yet, very few leaders are taught how to do it well.
Four truths leaders often forget:
- Your emotional state is yours to manage. It’s not your team’s job to guess how to approach you based on your mood.
- Ego isn’t confidence. Confidence invites feedback. Ego shuts it down.
- Being under pressure doesn’t excuse bad behaviour.
- You don’t need to be perfect, but you do need to be honest, accountable and open to growth.
How to know if you’ve slipped
Start by paying attention to what your team doesn’t say. Do they challenge you? Offer new ideas? Tell you the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable? If not, they may not feel safe doing so.
Look at your own habits. Do you dominate meetings? Interrupt? Apologise when you’re wrong? Or do you expect others to adjust to you?
And ask for feedback, not just in formal reviews, but regularly and informally. Create space for it. And when you get it, take it seriously. Don’t defend or deflect.
Remember, leadership is contagious.
If you’re calm, your team feels calm too. If you’re curious, they’ll share more. If you admit your mistakes, they’ll own theirs. But if you’re reactive, defensive or inconsistent, your team will do whatever it takes to keep the peace – even if that means staying quiet, disengaging or walking away.
Why this matters more than ever
With burnout on the rise and psychological safety finally getting the attention it deserves, leadership behaviours are business-critical. The best strategies, perks or salaries won’t compensate for the daily emotional toll of a reactive boss.
Gallup research continues to find that 70 per cent of the variance in team engagement is directly attributable to the manager. That means the way you show up every day directly affects whether people stay or leave.
In my work with leaders across industries, the same pattern emerges: culture starts at the top, and it lives or dies in the everyday habits of leaders.
None of us is immune to slipping into bad habits. But the best leaders I know are relentlessly self-aware. They audit themselves. They check their ego. They remember that leadership is not about being the smartest person in the room, but making their team smarter and more engaged.
And if you’ve read this and thought, “That’s me sometimes”. That’s good. That means you’re still open to learning better ways to lead.
And that’s what separates the great leaders from the ones people leave.
Karlie Cremin is the chief executive officer at DLPA and author of Don’t Lead Like a Jerk.