iscover
Leadership is a deeply human experience, and ego will always be part of that journey. It’s not about banishing ego, but about learning to notice when it’s barking louder than it needs to, write Dr Siew Fang Law and Hannes van Rensburg.
Daniel* was a passionate, driven executive who deeply believed in the purpose of his organisation. He poured long hours into his work, demanded excellence from his team, and envisioned bold strategies for growth. He truly wanted to do good! But over time, the weight of his ambition – and his blind spots – began to create more problems than good.
His team members grew exhausted under his constant urgency. Ideas that didn’t align with his were quietly shelved. Team meetings turned into monologues. Colleagues started withholding feedback, fearing backlash or dismissal. Though he spoke often of collaboration, Daniel unconsciously ruled through fear, instead of trust. He could not see that his leadership was no longer uplifting others – it was silencing them.
When his direct reports began resigning, HR was asked to “fix the culture”. But underneath the culture was something deeper – an unchecked ego, fuelled by a deep sense of fear, insecurity, and a deep need to prove himself. As HR leaders, we often encounter leaders like Daniel – brilliant and well-meaning but unaware of the ways their ego is running the show. The question is: What would you do to support a leader like this – not with judgement, but with compassion and clarity?
Understanding the ego – a tree with deep roots
The ego is a part of being human. It has a role to play – it shapes our identity, protects us from painful feelings, and grants us a sense of self-worth. Think of ego like a guard dog. It naturally wants to protect us. But if we’re not aware of when it’s barking unnecessarily – or biting – then it can do more damage than good. Therefore, an unaware ego can become disruptive – especially in positions of power.
In the book The Power of Care, we use the analogy of a tree to illustrate the visible and the invisible signs and symptoms. The tree trunk, branches, leaves, and fruits – are above ground and are only half the story. The hidden root system below determines how the tree grows and interacts with its environment.
- The roots of ego are buried and often invisible. These may include the leader’s suppressed and unprocessed emotions, such as early experiences of insecurity, fear of failure, trauma, or internalised messages of inadequacy.
- The trunk represents organisational structures and hierarchies that may inadvertently reward the unchecked egoic leadership – such as top-down, dominance, urgency, and control – over collaboration, reflection, and humility.
- The branches symbolise the organisation’s systems, policies, and processes. When these are rigid or leader-centric, they may reinforce power imbalances and discourage feedback.
- The leaves reflect the health of team dynamics – trust, engagement, and psychological safety. When ego dominates, leaves begin to wither. People shut down, ideas are suppressed, and creativity and authenticity disappear.
- The flowers and fruits are what the world sees: performance, culture, and innovation. However, these outcomes depend on the health of the whole tree, not just its surface.
At our core, everyone has an ego. The difference lies in self-awareness and the skills to manage it. As HR leaders, we are in a unique position to shape leadership not just by what we allow, but by what we cultivate. Here are three actionable ways to work with leaders whose egos may be getting in the way:
1. Recruit and promote with awareness in mind
Incorporate emotional intelligence, humility, and self-awareness into leadership recruitment and promotion processes. Incorporate interview questions to assess how leaders respond to failure, receive feedback, and acknowledge their own learning curves. For example, “Tell me a time you changed your mind because of your team’s input.” Listen to responses that demonstrate humility and openness.
2. Build structures that invite reflection, not just action
Create space for regular leadership reflection – through coaching, facilitated peer learning circles, or guided journaling practices. Offer psychological safety for leaders to explore their own shadows – fears, triggers, and patterns without shame. The goal is not to diminish their drive, but to help them lead from a place of integration, not insecurity.
3. Support with compassionate accountability
When ego-aware behaviours arise, respond with both empathy and boundaries. Offer feedback using reflective, non-blaming language, such as, “I wonder what might be behind that reaction” or “Here’s how that landed with others – can we explore it together?” Make it clear that growth is expected, and support is available.
Reflection
Leadership is a deeply human experience, and ego will always be part of that journey. It’s not about banishing ego, but about learning to notice when it’s barking louder than it needs to. When we understand the roots, we can tend to the whole tree.
So, let us leave you with this question: How will you stand beside your ego-unaware leaders – not to fix them, but to gently guide them back to the leader they truly want to be?
*Names have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Dr Siew Fang Law and Hannes van Rensburg are co-authors of The Power of Care. Dr Siew Fang is a social psychologist and peace psychology expert, and Hannes is a leadership coach and former senior executive.
